It was just me, my mum and my sister growing up so my experience with boys until having Luke was limited to opposite sides of the classroom at school and the occasional school dance, where I stood awkwardly waiting for something to happen. I never expected to one day be outnumbered willies to daifas (Luke’s word for vagina) but alas, it has happened. Everyone knows kids say the craziest things. What no one tells you is that you will too.
Here are some of the the more memorable things to come out of my mouth since becoming a mother. Please note that these are not one off statements but things that are said almost on a daily basis.
1. Luke, please take your penis out of your dinner.
I don’t care to count how many times I’ve come out of the kitchen to find my golden haired, blue eyed angel standing over his plate dangling his willy into his peas. Most of the time Joe will be there laughing and I have to be the one to break up the fun. This statement is usually followed up shortly after with a discussion with Luke about how he can’t have new peas and yes, I know his willy was in them.
2. I know it’s how they clean themselves but let’s not lick the cat.
This was a weird one. You wanna eat that chip off the ground? Go ahead. You threw your banana on the floor a full 60 seconds ago but still want it? Wipe it off, you’ll be right. Dudley looked dirty and you were just cleaning him with your tongue like he does? Rein it in little buddy! Want a biscuit? Here, these ones help with fur balls. Something tells me you’re gonna need it.
3. You found it in your undies? Don’t eat it.
Luke uses his undies like I use my handbag. He’s forever reaching in and pulling out biscuits, raisins, chapstick and matchbox cars. The first three are met with excited exclamations about what he found before promptly being eaten, the last is usually repeatedly smashed into a wall while making car noises.
4. Stop wiping your bogies on the dog
Luke always picking his nose. Today, he got both fingers digging for gold at the same time. This kid was knuckle deep up each nostril to the point where even I was impressed. It’s the same routine every time though…he digs, he scores, he shows us how big it is and he looks around for somewhere to leave it. Until our dog passed away (RIP Mac dog), he made the perfect tissue. Since he died, Luke is constantly looking for a new tissue, usually either the couch or whoever’s sitting on it, although the carpet will also do in a pinch.
5. No thanks Luke, I don’t want to smell your willy
Every night before he gets in the bath I make a big deal about smelling his feet. He thinks it’s hilarious when I scrunch up my face, pull back in mock disgust and tell him how rank his feet are. Imagine my surprise one night when after sniffing his feet, he thrusts his hips in my direction and asks me to sniff his willy, giggling like a maniac. After politely thanking him for the opportunity and respectfully declining his offer, he wanted to know why. Uhhhh…I guess it’s never too early to discuss the importance of consent, right? He sounded disappointed but accepted that Mummy just didn’t want to and off he went. It didn’t stop him from asking again the next night. We’ll get there.
6. Wow! It does stretch far! (willy again…are you noticing a theme?)
I don’t know what it is about boys and their penises but I do know that once they’ve found it, they never forget it. Luke seems to see his as something similar to a rubber band. My god does that thing stretch! I’m tired of acting excited and happy that he’s stretched it further than last time. And I’m not looking forward to puberty.
Bonus willy one: it isn’t a toy, stop playing with it.
7. Luke if you keep trashing our friends houses we won’t have any left and Mummy will have to drink alone.
This is a valid fear. I don’t know what it is about boys that makes them play so differently to girls. And by play, I mean destroy a room in less than 10 minutes. For example, today we visited our good friends at their new house. They have two wee girls, one of whom is 5 days younger than Luke. We left the kids to it while the mummies had a coffee. We had that conversation…should we go check on them? Naaaaaah, no tears, there’s laughter and the room’s kiddy proof. They’ll be fine. Yeah. It might be kiddy proof, but is it Luke proof? The answer is no. While Luke’s wee friend was playing nicely with her toys, Luke was tipping the toy box over because it made a big noise. Then the box with the blocks. And the one with the train tracks and then the books. Not to play with. Just because. Side note, I’m thinking of starting a new business. You kiddy proof your house and then for a small fee, I’ll bring Luke over to show you where you failed. You’d be surprised.
8. I know you want ice cream for breakfast, Mummy wants a stiff drink but we don’t always get what we want.
I have a permanent scar from a bite I received one morning at about 5am. Luke wanted an ice block and had woken me up with the crinkling of the wrapper. I said no, he got angry. Enough said. Thank god that was a preschool day
9. Sweetheart, that’s Mummy’s poop, you can’t touch it
Boys and poop is like boys and their willies and boys and making noise. I don’t know what it is but he’s all about it right now. Birds, cats, dogs, Luke’s and Mummy and Daddy’s. He can sit and watch, he can get me the toilet paper and he can flush the toilet but you have to draw the line somewhere.
10. I love you so much, you little weirdo.
I legitimately never thought I’d love something as much as I love my cat Dudley. I also never thought that the boy who stole my heart would eat food he found in his undies, be obsessed with how birds poop or be so incredibly proud of how far he can stretch his willy. I’m constantly surprised and amazed at the things he learns, the way he talks, the ferocious hugs that take your breath away and the amount of pure love I have for this strange little creature. He constantly makes me laugh until I cry (although that could also be exhaustion) and I will love him forever.
I’d love to hear about some things you’ve heard yourself saying! Comment below!